I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
