Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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