but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
