I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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