when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
where are my eyebrows?
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