maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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