listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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