you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
