In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
