My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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