i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
