Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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