everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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