His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
