I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
