It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
