my vag is so smooth its legendary
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
