wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
