I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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