watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
