Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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