Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
