Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
