I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I think your dad took our porno
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
