I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
