he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
