rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
