apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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