Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
True strength comes from lack of pants
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
