i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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