If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
