apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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