Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
