Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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