no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
