i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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