I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
