me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Someone stole a lamp last night.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
