it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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