I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
