Your face is a jimmy john
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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