I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I think my fart just growled at me.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
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