Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
