I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Randomize
