clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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