Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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