I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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