I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
