so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
