I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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