all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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