sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just threw up on my dentist
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
